


Crime in Crystals: Outtakes

by Aard_Rinn



Series: Crime in Crystals [11]
Category: The Transformers (IDW Generation One), Transformers - All Media Types, Transformers: Prime
Genre: It's a whole AU at this point, Multi, This won't make a ton of sense outside of CiC, help me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:34:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26106550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aard_Rinn/pseuds/Aard_Rinn
Summary: A spot for all of the sub-thousand word omakes and scenes for Crime in Crystals. Just little snippets that aren't part of larger stories - anticipate questionable canonicity and plenty of timeline hopping.
Relationships: Chromia/Ironhide, Ratchet/Wheeljack (Transformers)
Series: Crime in Crystals [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1749994
Comments: 21
Kudos: 85





	1. The Cube

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place - IDK. Sometime after the events of the Praxus Arc (which isn't over yet). It was originally published as an Omake to Chapter Four of The Chase, so don't be surprised if you've seen it before!

“You want me to…” Ultra Magnus pauses, considering. “To use _this cube_ in my next meeting with Optimus?”

Hot Rod, plating pressed almost flat by the sheer power of his intimidation, nods. “I mean, it doesn’t have to be your _next_ meeting, but - yes. Um, sir.”

“Why?”

“Uh - because it’s funny. Sir.” Hot Rod shrinks a little more under Ultra Magnus’ gaze.

“Why?”

“No other -” He clicks a little, and resets his vocalizer. “No other reason. Sir.” There’s a pause. “It’s not - not meant as an insult, or anything.”

“No, I mean…” Ultra Magnus trails off, giving the cube in his hand another long glance. “Why is it funny?”

“What?” The question surprises Hot Rod so much that he forgets he’s cowering, just for a moment. “I mean, I don’t know - it’s because you’re a truck, sir. And he’s a truck. And the Prime.” He pauses again. “Trucktimus Truck.”

Ultra Magnus looks, beseechingly, at Prowl.

“Incongruity,” Prowl explains helpfully. “It’s nonsense, following the traditional naming structure using inappropriate terms. Cheerfully irreverent.”

“Ah.” Prowl can almost feel the relief in Ultra Magnus’ field at the explanation - the mech does better with some forms of humor than others, and Prowl knows that _not getting_ a joke frustrates him. “Very funny, then. I would have expected Ultra Prime.”

“Ultra Prime?” Hot Rod’s vocalizer clicks again, helplessly, and Ultra Magnus gives him a sympathetic look.

“Yes. For the hyperbole?”

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ultra Magnus lets his whole frame relax as he follows Optimus into his quarters, several joors later.

"Please, sit -" Optimus gestures to a chair - after so long, the gesture is appreciated, but unnecessary.

“Thank you, Optimus. Give me a moment? I haven’t had a chance to fuel all cycle.”

Optimus settles into his usual couch with a creak of relief. “Of course, old friend. Thank you for visiting, regardless - I know you’re busy, but…”

“I will always have time for this, Optimus.” Ultra Magnus settles in his own chair, and vents. “Honestly, it’s a relief to be away from it all for a few joors - you wouldn’t _believe_ the amount of _nonsense_ my mechs get up to.”

Slowly, deliberately, he takes a sip from his cube.

Optimus doesn’t seem to notice anything. “Primus, yes. Brainstorm managed to evade Perceptor’s notice long enough to cook up _another_ atrocity - I’m not sure _why_ he thought I’d be alright with a gun that _inverts organics_ -”

“It flips them upside down?” Ultra Magnus asks curiously. “That’s not even particularly bad, for him -”

“Not upside down.” Optimus pauses. “Outside in.”

“I see.” That does sound more like Brainstorm. Ultra Magnus takes another careful sip of his energon.

“And then -” Optimus, half-way through a sentence, freezes. “What is that?”

“What is what?” Ultra Magnus feigns ignorance. Poorly - he’s not a very good feigner, but that’s all right. He wants Optimus to ask.

“That cube.” Optimus narrows his optics accusingly. “They gave you one of the cubes. Come on, show me -”

Ultra Magnus only feigns for a little longer, before obligingly showing Optimus the cube. Optimus stares at it - stares at him - and folds over in his seat laughing. Ultra Magnus sits back, pleased.

“Trucktimus Truck -” Optimus finally wheezes out. “Primus - it’s not even - not even _clever_ \- how the frag did they talk you into -”

“I _said_ it should be Ultra Prime, but Hot Rod insisted -” Ultra Magnus explains, defensive, and that’s the last coherent sentence he manages to get out of the Prime for quite a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ultra Magnus doesn't really _get_ humor. He enjoys it more from a philosophical perspective - he enjoys making other mechs laugh, when the situation doesn't require seriousness, because he can see how it eases the tension that, especially during the war, everymech was living with. He enjoys the fact that it makes mechs less afraid of him - he knows that he's intimidating, and doesn't particularly care for that fact, and sometimes, if he's funny enough or at least gives it a solid shot, he can make mechs relax around him. He enjoys the intellectual exercise of coming up with jokes to tell, and the social aspect of being in on another mech's joke. 
> 
> That said, it's kind of a point of frustration for him, too - he often needs new forms of humor explained to him so that he knows what to look for in a joke. Fortunately, good friends like Shockwave (who understand humor and was at one time v. funny, though he doesn't bother with it anymore), Optimus (who is funny and understands humor, but can't be nearly as funny now that he's Prime), Ironhide (who is funny and understands humor, but is terrible at explaining why things are funny), and Prowl (who is only funny occasionally and on purpose, but understands humor) are usually willing to help him make sense of things. And once he gets something, he generally _gets_ it - the only time he has any real trouble is with absurdist humor, which he is willing to participate in, but has never really clicked with him.
> 
> He does have his own passions & interests, though! He's very into narrative and dramatic storytelling - so he's much more operas and stuff like that than, say, a comedy hour. And he dabbles in writing and poetry - he's got a real talent for more structured, long-form prose, like the complex, multi-layered forms that make up the Cybertronian equivalent of an epic, or the detail-oriented work of mystery novels. His stuff tends to be a little dry, but carefully-written and meticulously put together. And almost entirely unpublished, though he does circulate it as datapads that are traded among his enforcers.
> 
> I just love him so much you guys. Ultra Magnus = best character. (also in this AU he is more G1 Magnus than MTMTE Magnus, though he draws from both - he is very much a Lorge Mech and not a small man in a suit tho)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ratchet and Wheeljack are taking their sweet time bonding. Ironhide, Chromia, and the rest of the scientists being transported to the Cybertronian base on eidil-Talsa are starting to feel rebellious.

It’s not uncommon, per se, for mechs to bond in the long dark joors of interstellar transit.

Nothing that Ironhide hasn’t seen before - two sparks reaching out to each other, in love and desperation, stealing a little time for themselves in the safety between stars. Wise - romantic even, out in the inky blackness, with your cohort around you, and the ship around them, and the roars of gunfire and laser artillery silent, for a bit. He’s never begrudged his mechs that softness, the closeness…

Now, sixty joors in, with the hold stinking of ozone and his field aching from the static prickle of exposed sparks, he’s revising his opinions.

“I mean - we have enough mechs who’re bonded to shove them out an airlock, is the thing.” It’s Chromia who’s first voiced the sedition in his spark - first given words to the nervous shifting glances being cast about. “We could attach a guyline to them, trail them behind the ship for a bit - I’ve got like six rolls of scrimtape, keeping them in the appropriate position wouldn’t be an issue -”

“Getting them apart without Ratchet killing us would be, though.” Beside her, Shockwave chuckles. “I don’t know - Ratchet’s the only one who bothered looking into the medbay, I think, but if eidil-Talsa has a suitably-rated medical berth, we might be able to cut Wheeljack free and make a run for it before he can convince any of the nurses to release him.”

“I ain’ gonna say I hate th’ odds, mech, but I don’ like ‘em. Slagger’s got strong feelin’s ‘bout th’ effect o’ glue on chromeonanites.” Ironhide shifts uncomfortably in his restraints. “‘Sides, we’d be up a creak wi’ Jackie - we either leave ‘im, an’ Ratch gets free soon as Jack’s recovered enough ta let ‘im loose, or we bring ‘im an’ Ratch’s got a direct line ta us where’re we go.”

“Could strand him on one of the moons,” Chromia offers. “Just get him offworld and dump him somewhere before we make tracks for the fighting edge -”

“It’s _Jackie_ , though - he don’ deserve tha’,” Ironhide protests. 

“It takes at least two to spend sixty joors sparkbonding in the passenger hold of a shuttle, Ironhide. At this point, I’m not opposed to holding him culpable.” Shockwave’s grin takes the edge off his words, though. “Astrotrain - you’re sure there’s no way we could transfer them to your cargo hold?” 

::Not without a couple of you mag’ing up and hauling them externally.:: Astrotrain’s voice echoes around and through them, a low rumbling vibration in the semi-pressurized hold. ::Which - honestly, if they aren’t finished by the time we get out of this _slagging_ dust field, please.::

“If it’s any reassurance…” Perceptor offers from beside Brainstorm, who’s completely offline and dangling in his webbing, as dead to the world as he always it on long flights, “They have to come out of it relatively soon. One-hundred-twenty-eight joors is, I believe, the theorised resonance maximum for two synching sparks, but that supposes two titan-scale sparks - I doubt that even with their specialized programming to account for that Ratchet and Wheeljack could maintain for much beyond ninety.”

“Hear that, mechs?” Ironhide can’t help but snort. “Good news - only twenty more joors o’ these fraggers mergin’ an’ we’re free.”

The begrudging cheer that that gets him is sarcastic enough to curdle paint.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, look! It's pre-Shockwaving Shockwave! My son.
> 
> Yeah, I figure that sparkbonding, during the war, was kind of a fraught thing. It takes too long to risk on the frontlines, and you're a danger to your own friends while you're doing it, and it puts both members at greater risk of death, so... well, you sort of steal your chances where you can, if you decide to do it. General opinion is pretty much that it's monumentally stupid, but very romantic, so there's usually a fair bit of support and you just get an end seat and have another 'junxed pair between you and your unbonded teammates and go for it during long-hauls.
> 
> Of course, warframes, even powerful ones, rarely take long to sparkbond, since they share so much systems architecture - two with similar alts and weapons systems, like two tankformers, might be able to synch in a joor or two, and targeting software is such a large part of warframe's processing allocations that even two different alts can pull it off in five or six. Warframe/civilian bonds take longer - think ten or so joors, like Prowl and Jazz - but even that's not too bad.
> 
> And then there are the specialists.
> 
> Wheeljack and Ratchet have to synch non-similar systems, establish privacy partitions, sort through similar-but-different pools of scientific knowledge to make sure that they're working off the correct tolerances for their differing partitions, figure out how to use or ignore inputs from two different sets of hyper-specialized sensors... it's a lot. And, well... everybody in the shuttle (and the shuttle himself! Hello, Astrotrain!) gets to marinate in the two merging electromagnetic fields, which is it's own special flavor of uncomfortable! 
> 
> As far as what the interior of an Astrotrain looks like - I figure that, since he's hauling crew and cargo, he's got one section of his holds set up for cargo, and the other is set up with mechs strapped to seats either wall like parachutists to keep them in place - that way he doesn't have to spend the energy generating artificial gravity. Since no one else can really get into a position to support them, Ratchet and Wheeljack just harnessed in and then used clips to link the webbing of their restraints together to keep them close - there's a lot of variance for moving as long as the sparks are kept close, it's really just if you say, fall away from each other that it becomes dangerous to the merging mechs. 
> 
> Tempted to do Chromia and Ironhide's merging too... hng it's just such an interesting topic to me. Also I can't remember if I had Perceptor and Brainstorm bonded pre- or post- war, so consider that of questionable canonicity.


End file.
